When I found out I was pregnant with our first baby, the planner in me started dreaming of what motherhood would look like from the moment I saw the second line. We were traveling that day to see family for the holidays, Brian and I started drafting lists of names, nursery theme ideas and even where we might want to take our first family vacation. I had an image in my head of what pregnancy and motherhood looked like. I was over the moon excited...I thought I was prepared.
The first 20 weeks went off without a hitch...well that is if you ignore the constant nausea, the lack of appetite, the food aversions and the wave of morning sickness that hit like clock work. We had decided to not find out the sex of our sweet babe and we lived in this place of excitement and anticipation. All of the blood work and early ultrasounds came back wonderfully and as we walked into our 20 week anatomy scan we were so excited to get a closer glimpse at our babe. We started the appointment like any other joking with each other and laughing...this ultrasound immediately felt different from our others, the technician seemed cold and almost distant as she told us about what we were seeing on the screen. We chalked it up being later in the afternoon and went to wait for my doctor...I thought I was prepared.
To keep things breif our doctor shared that "I was a tough scan" that they didn't get the best look at baby's brain and spinal cord and wanted to refer me a high risk OB for a repeat scan. Immediately panic and fear washed over me but we remained optimistic under the assumption that we simply needed better imaging. A week later we walked into the MFM....I thought I was prepared.
This scan felt different than the one done a week prior, the tech was warm upbeat and friendly taking an interest in our lives. The scan felt like it went quickly, she printed different shots of our sweet little one and left to get the doctor. The doctor came in and went over why we were referred and then the words "unfortunately we do have concerns about your baby's brain and spinal cord"....I thought I was prepared.
To spare the dramatics, it was the worst day of my life...of our lives. We left the appointment with no diagnosis, no prognosis only the simple facts of abnormalities of the brain and lower spinal cord and a follow up appointment a few weeks later.
I had spent weeks, months making lists, dreaming and planning our future...I thought I was prepared for motherhood but boy was I wrong.
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